"looking at the sea, while she come? is there hope for me"

I have recently come to realize that everything that I was taught, everything I wanted to believe was true and real. All the things that I wanted to think was right and honest, is a complete lie or a waste of time. I've personally never looked at sexual relations as a way of becoming honest, responsible, and empathetic as a human being. So how has it become the one thing we judge a man or a women by? I can't tell you how many highschooler, shit even middle school girls, or at least that's what they said they were, on the internet that said they knew what they needed to know already and knew what they wanted, because they weren't virgins. How is it you have the fucking level of intelligence to figure out how to be a decent human being and able to raise offspring just because you can get LAID! I'm sorry, but just because you use a condom, or practice safe sex, doesn't FUCKING mean your an adult, or even a responsible person for that damn matter.
I guess this is just my frustraition with feeling trapped and surrounded by girls that are married or otherwise taken, or just have kids, which is a situation I will not put myself in because I know i'm not prepared for it yet. The fact that I wanted to take a girls virginity and then be with her (and her girlfriend) for the better part of our lives, is kinda what I had in mind. I don't think I honestly pictured myself single, looking, and fucking lonely living with my dad, even in a wheelchair, at 28 years old. But I do feel trapped here now. Right now the only thing keeping me sane is music. because part of my problem is I am not able to hang out with my friends as much as i'd like.

I've recently gotten a renewed addiction to Mudvayne. I love music and the basslines and drum rhythms are just crazy, even in the newer stuff from them. I stopped listening before The New Game, but I have to say I like the drums, bass, and even guitar work a lot more on that album, than I did on lost and found, or maybe it was The End of All Things to Come. But at the same time, and I'll admit I watch/look at porn from time to time, it's getting bitter sweet. Everything i'm listening too/watching I want to do, and feel like I've missed out. I feel like my awkwardness as a kid caused me regrets now that I am having an extremly hard time letting go of. The porn is particullarly nerve racking sometimes. I just want to know sometimes, I know cassie left me, but why NOT ME?! Needless to say i'm pretty depressed lately, and somehow the only thing not suffering now is my schoolwork. Which is good because i'm about to graduate. There used to be a part of me that felt I didn't really belong here, now I just feel like i'm in the wrong place, or wrong time, or both. Not sure why it feels like the more I try the less I accomplish.

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