struggling

It feels like it getting harder. I couldn't sleep in this morning because I woke up thinking about her. She's all I want, but it seems to late for me. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to stop thinking for a while just so i could get work done compitently. I'm just so tired of not having anybody, feeling completely alone, feeling like i'm useless and meaningless. I let others control my emotional state and behavior far to much. Maybe I don't know how I feel, I know it was hard getting myself out of bed this morning even though I couldn't sleep. I tried to focus on my homework and what I had to get done today, the things I still need to do. Something always reminds me of her, ALWAYS. I've gotten to where I don't even think about my best friend Tony very much anymore. I can't just simply stop from thinking it, I am not sure if I don't want too because I hold out hope. Or if I just cannot control my own thoughts.

So I sit here alone, wishing I had somebody to talk to, somebody to hold and be with that I could share myself with without feeling like i'm still competing with an ex. Wish somebody would call or text me so I could just have some outside contact. This winter is going to be hard and i'm not looking forward to graduating... yeah imagine that. I don't have an idea what it is I want, or even can do it this fucking town after I graduate. And the problem right now is, I don't care because I can't stop thinking about her, every fucking day. I'm fine with being in a wheelchair, but when I thought I found exactly what I had always wanted, and they are still justifying why there ex cheated on them. This is the most painful thing I think i've ever pulled myself through. I don't really see any light shinning through the darkness. Its like I'm illuminating my own aura, yet i'm surrounded by darkness, by nothing. Looks like my friend was right, it seems as though she did take the last i had of what I thought I could give.
My mind constantly goes back to the episode of scrubs

'i don't think people are meant to be by themselves. That's why if you actually find someone you care about, its important to let go of the little things, even if you can't let go all the way. Because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone, no matter how many people are around.' I think that sums it up, for now.